Brownie or Blondie

Recently I read an article by scholar Raquel Rivera (I believe she used to teach or still does at my alma mater) about being brown, self-identifying as brown, being perceived as brown or not at all relating to brown in the Latino community.
Although I think it is a very south-west term stemming from Mexican-American, Chicano’s who mostly associate themselves with just the European and Native American blend (and mostly deny the African-roots) , I also do think it captures the amalgamation of the African roots with all of the beautiful ancestry that Latin America has. For me being brown means embracing the Native American roots I know I have because my mother is from El Salvador, and those of my dad because he was not only born in Guatemala (his dad’s side being Spanish-blend and his mother being of Turkish descent). I not only consider the south west hemisphere brown but I also consider the middle eastern side brown (although people will argue that it is white or European because it has now entered the EU and in an effort to seem civil, the Turkish people will distinguish themselves as European, eh to each is own).
On another note I also know someone who is a Jewish-Mexican (yes, plenty of them exist just like Jew-*insert country*). This friend of mine related to me that it took him a long time to identify with his Jewish part, I forget his reason. He also told me that every time I identified myself as half or part Turkish that he resented me for it. Here is my conclusion of the situation. In this day in age Jews are seen as white people and they are white (physically for the most part). I see Judaism as a religion and nothing more unless you are ethnic and/or orthodox and simply not a race. I can convert and say I am Jewish tomorrow and perhaps people will associate me or perceive me as white automatically (because I am light skin). I am not saying that there can’t be multicultural Jews or black Jews or red Jews or brown Jews, I am simply saying that when it comes down to it because race is a social construct based on skin color people will look at the *insert color* before the Jew, and if there is no color that you insert people will automatically insert it for you, we are all trained to do that. In this case I think he thinks the Jew-part makes him higher or perhaps better than other Latinos, but that’s only me thinking out loud. I also think he would think of himself as a brownie.
Another friend of mine has Central American roots but is clearly dark skin. He might have some features that resemble Native Americans perhaps many of them, but the skin color stands out. When asked what race he is, he refers back to Latino (which isn’t a race) and says he looks just like his uncle who is Central American. In his head though I think that he really thinks he is a Blondie. Latino in this case is more to defend his class, and to deny reality as a black man. I don’t know how he does it, honestly.
Going back to me now I also feel the need to defend myself in terms of why I even claim the Middle Eastern side. It is not to claim the European side of it (because I wouldn’t consider it in Europe) but more so to embrace the roots that I have been blessed with. If Shakira can do why can’t I? I pretty much move like her in any case. I have also embraced this because throughout my childhood I have been called Middle Eastern in some cases Lebanese, Syrian (among others) and always had the curiosity of knowing if I was. Low and behold about in 2003 was when my aunt (on my dad’s side confirm this on a pilgrimage back to L.A. the motherland). And after all that thought I still do consider myself a Brownie. How about you?

December 1st Nostalgia.

Once I left the HIV/AIDS field I have been feeling a little bit empty. A void in me. My work has its good and bad days, mostly admin work and doesn’t let me really create, make or come up with new (at least to me) ideas or concepts. Saturday was world AIDS day and what did I do? Nothing. I was running on the treadmill at the gym and I watched Magic Johnson talk about the importance of getting tested, the same thing I used to do back in the days…I used to be the walking billboard for any gay or HIV/AIDS-related organization and boy did I do it a little too well. I had people (men really) come back every 3-6 months to see me and get tested. Building that rapport with people and that sense of community and trust was/is so important to me and that’s why this year, doing nothing hit home. Knowing that my brothers, sisters, ex-lovers, future-lovers, future-ex-lovers are getting infected at an alarming rate and not knowing they are hit me in the face. As much as I love seeing celebrities talk about and advocate for this cause, it still is not enough. Especially when they are big stars and although Magic has the experience, he only has one experience and that can’t really talk for the rest of the population. Getting tested is the first step, but there are obstacles along the way. I am HIV-negative and test regularly because I know the importance of it, and I still confront obstacles myself. I am always safe when I have sex, but that 20 minutes (thanks to the rapid test) really makes you take a second and think about everything. Those 20 minutes can really make you or break you. I was born here in the U.S., I am out and have no qualms around my sexuality but imagine people who are working in the sex field, have to make ends meet, pay the rent (somehow), have no legal documentation to stay in this country, are planning/or working towards permanent residence, are not out and have unsafe sex because of it, are physically addicted to heroine and can only share needles at a given time, or people who in general (and that’s what it boils down to) lack education or access to appropriate education.
Abstinence only programs have failed and will continue to fail because it’s not built on a logical model. People want and will do things they are told not to. Its human nature and you won’t learn until you get burned. Abstinence-only programs will not work for sex workers who are transgender and have no other alternative but to do that work. There are so many obstacles around it, and to test to confirm ones status can be detrimental for one if you are not ready to receive that news.
Although I have tested thousands of people for HIV (as a counselor) and know the importance of testing early to get treatment etc, I also know the importance of being ready to test. From my experience as a counselor I have found that most people who test do not cry, over react (and that’s even a judging word), most people when they test are ready to here the news, whatever it is. We as a population need to stop stigmatizing HIV, as a gay, as a death sentence, or any of the above things in order for people to actually accept the message from the media, bring it home, let it simmer in and take initiative on it.
Even though Magic Johnson does romanticize (for a lack of a better term/word) HIV he does his part in the fight, but again he is only and one message isn’t enough.
For more information on locations or on HIV/AIDS go to www.hafnyc.org . Or contact me.

The internal A-train Controversations

I have officially traveled through or to every A train stop. From 207th street in Inwood to somewhere in Rockaway (sober and drunked). I have noticed there are so many different crowds that get on this long-ass train. In the Inwood section you have the gentrifying [white] gays, the brown gays, black gays, the butch, the femme, the working class people that can’t afford like most of us to live in the city and just took a bus to the 207th stop from yonkers and/or the Bronx, and the picturesque gentrifying [white] families sporting their EMS or L.L. Beam initial backpack. At first I thought that prices in Inwood/Washington Heights area would be the same as Brooklyn for the same space I mean Inwood/Washington Heights is practically the Bronx whether you like it or not and I have lived there so I do have a say in this.
On the other side you have Rockaway-Jamaica which is a little more south than where I grew up (closer to the airport-and we all know that airport towns get the worst of it). On this side we observe more Queens-like houses, one, two maybe a three family house and many languages all over. I remember broken English, Central American Spanish, Mexican Spanish (there is a slight difference) Caribbean Spanish (completely different) Haitian Creole, etc…in any case I could not go down a block without hearing more than one language being spoken, I grew up culturally rich (the only kind of rich my mother could ever afford to bequeath).
My current commute on the A train going to work is only about 10 minutes. I get on at Nostrand Ave. and get off at Jay St. to transfer onto the F train. It is usually best to keep your head phones on and create conversations for people while you watch their every movement on the train, their eyes, fingers, *sighs* etc.
These are the two types of internal conversation I observe on the trains to and from work.
Towards Manhattan:
Towards Brooklyn: A lot of the white people (I usually do my errands in midtown so I get on in midtown) get on do not even bother to look for a seat either because they don’t care, feel threatened enough by the brown person unnecessarily lounging and taking up two seats not to ask them to sit properly, or they make this awful face as soon as they walk in as if something smelled but its really nothing. I of course immediately take a seat upon spotting one. I am not a fan of wearing heel-ish shoes (I am sure ladies have it worse) but my feet are killing from walking back-and-forth back and forth. The last kind of white person on the train that I didn’t mention that doesn’t sit is the white person that is really only taking it to Chambers or Canal St. to get some Starbucks on their way home (although those are popping up everywhere now).
Towards Manhattan: This is more pleasant ride. Besides everyone’s eyes rolling because of the delays in the morning or people forcing themselves into the already delayed train. Every is aware of space but no one really minds sharing space in this ride, unlike towards Brooklyn. I feel everyone feels comfortable (or at least looks a lot more comfortable than the other way around). Everyone is doing their own thing. I am on my mp3 player (most people are), the girl next to me is looking at her photo album on her Nokia phone from T-Mobile as the guy leaning on the door’s face lights up as he looks over her shoulder. This sense of community is great. Imagine if this turned (not sure it won’t, but hopefully not) into Williamsburgh….sad sad sad…Then we will know the [white] man has won, a land with no cash checking place, higher rents, another overpriced supermarket replacing the ma’ and pa’ shops and not to mention the more expensive (mostly for the cost of the flatware and decorations they bought at IKEA) restaurants with very little authenticity.

From Jamaica to Bed-Stuy-- Take the F train to the A train

It will take time to get used to the quietness of the neighborhood. In the back of my head silence represents minds thinking (good and bad) but since I am a pessimist I will go with the bad. I grew in Jamaica, Queens (after being born in L.A.), in what some people would consider a ghetto although no one would probably refer to their hometown as a ghetto. There are some similarities obviously between Bed-Stuy and Jamaica. For starters (the superficial) the amount of rappers that come from the areas one area being more culturally influenced (I think [Bed-Stuy]) and my town, corner of Queens rather not so much. Other similarities include the amount of people of color everywhere, on Fulton, (you would find the same on Jamaica Ave.), non-English languages spoken everyday, overpriced groceries from the local chain supermarket, and the roti shops everywhere. I am sure that if I went back to Jamaica (which I haven’t since last year) I would also find an attempt at gentrification with a local “vegetarian” or somewhat fancy store front with poor and hardly authentic Mexican food (because those are the ones the powers that be have chosen to exploit for now). Clearly there is a difference between a burrito and a wrap…wraps lack sazon.
So yes there are definitely similarities that obviously delve deeper into the community, institutional powers and the perpetuation of stereotypes, and generations of people lacking motivation.
Let’s talk about the perpetuation of stereotypes first. The local bodegas, black on black or Latino on Latino or *insert color* on *insert color*-crime, the disgusting but yummy tasting fast-food franchises where unmotivated young people of color work. Now let me explain what I mean by unmotivated young people, first of all I am not placing the blame on the young people, after all everyone goes through this phase, but what I am trying to convey is a lifestyle and reality of some that is cyclical. Employers and CEOs of these franchises do not take the time to teach young folks about work ethic and skills, instead they literally hand them a set of rules/instructions that they MUST follow and obey. Once a young person learns them then they are taught to regurgitate them and not really understand the tasks, nor contest the larger system that puts them in this situation to begin with. Sure a paycheck is a paycheck and that dollar can go a long way, but knowing that you are playing the game WITH and not FOR the big man is much better. Same thing goes for manager type positions within this industry, rather than motivating employees, managers are taught to play MASTER. Slavery is definitely not over nor will it be anytime soon. And so as we grow up in these microcosms we call home, we realize we have everything we “need” and become complacent and tend not to venture out into the rest of the world. Unless you are the kid that everyone hated because s/he got straight A’s (not to brag but much like myself) on the “standard” institutional tests we had to pay to take. So you are a success! To your mom and family but you are also put on this pedestal where you become the why-can’t-you-be-like-him-boy. A very uncomfortable situation I might say where your neighbors (the kids your age) start resenting you for being successful, and start even calling you words like maricon, mama’s boy etc (all words stripping away your masculine identity…and therefore taking away your worth and power in this male dominated society). No wonder it took me a while to figure out these things I was taught NOT to do. Oh and did I mention I grew up in a single-mother household? “Oh no wonder he is that way” said the ignorant neighbors “he needed a fatherly figure”. So I could “turn” straight and be even more successful. I doubt it; I think I am at a point where I am the one that measures my own success.
I can see this whole plot definitely developing in the Bed-Stuy setting. From my experience thus far I would say it would come from a black (be it African American, Caribbean, or African) young man. This neighborhood reminds me of my Jamaica, when I was growing up. I know I am still a transplant (a fairly new transplant) who has to get used to this and at times step aside and not judge (which is human nature in case you weren’t aware) this reality people (including myself) live in. As an outside-insider I am able to see my own childhood realities in this neighborhood, something I was not able to see when I lived back Jamaica. All I was taught to see was the negative energy, or the hate from them and those (some darker and few lighter than me). Those/Them who still live back in Jamaica, with their parents perhaps (actually most likely) and in the same house I used to play hide-and-go-seek in with 4 kids ranging anywhere from 10 to 1 year of age.
All of this add a little crack epidemic, some police brutality, at least 3 churches on every block (because as statistics show wherever there are churches there is crime), some overpriced groceries, dark lit streets, a couple of KFCs, McDs and check cashing places instead of real banks and we have my Jamaica-childhood reality back in Brooklyn. However I do think the brownstones and an overall sense of pride in self for many in Brooklyn adds a twist and a different beauty to things. Let’s see how it goes…It will all take some time.

Best deals at the 25th Hour!

Brooklyn is officially the spot to be now that I am there. Staten Island is in second place and L.A. is at the bottom of the list of course. After being royally screwed out of my last living situation, I guess I finally believe in good things come to those who wait. My baby (KAI) and I are not hopeless nor homeless and its before the 15th of the month! A last minute deal worked itself out in less than 24 hours! Saw the apt with C, loved the huge space in Bed-Stuy agreed, paid, signed and moved. Of course the apartment needs work but even my closet feels bigger than my sad-excuse-for-a-room I used to curl up in. I have met the neighbors, inside and outside the building have appreciated the beautiful brownstones (I wish I lived in) and have already visited a popeye's and a KFC in da' hood.
I don't consider my situation a gentrifying factor at all though, because like I said the place needs work and I am paying cheap rent! All thanks to (what I thought was lost hope) craigslist and my roommate's (and co-parent of my baby) dedication.
It has been three days and its all coming along slow and well.
Beautiful neighborhood, beautiful queer people of color! and a sense of calm at night (despite people's opinion of Bed-Stuy). Something that is lacking and or that I haven't discovered are eateries to have good food, doesn't matter what kind of food but as long as it is good and healthy. All in all I can't complain...20 minutes to work on train...Express stop! 2 blocks from train station. Cheap rent!
Roundtrip Ride: $4.00
Rent per month: <$600.00
A new Brooklyn experience: Priceless.

The Old and Helpless...X marks the spot

The drama of my life. So it's true about friendships and rooming situations. On the other hand if it is a true friendship then all should go well and things should be understood, not assumed and communicated. As many as you know I love to text rather than talk…sometimes I will reject your calls and lie (yes lie) and text you back…"can't talk I am in a meeting" or something of that sort. Anyways my living situation has gone from worse to worser to worsest…mmhmmm just as bad as that was for you English majors.
At this point all other aspects of my life have congealed nicely but my living situation has made me ill (physically and mentally). I feel like I have been cheated and lied to. I placed a deposit (which I hope I will get back) before I moved in and gave my months rent with an expectation that it would be mailed as my portion of the deposit to the management company (which is what usually happens), 6 months later I come to know that the deposit was never sent and that I had been lied to. The money definitely came out of my account (no question about that) but it was placed into my roommates pocket for going out, a trip to the west and maybe some trips to the casino. Whatever or wherever it went, it didn't and hasn't made it to the management company's office (nor will it at this point).
Unemployment definitely sucks and I feel for those who are unemployed and their situation is limited because of skills, education or the institutional part (aka –isms). But if you honestly want to work, you could seek it out and in less than 3 months I am sure you can work at least doing retail if your classist pride doesn't get in the way of course, but hey getting laid off from the get-go probably fucked that up already anyways. And taking a sabbatical by the way is a choice not a forced situation where you have your own resources (and not dependent on other people's deposit) to live.
[--Bathroom Break--]
I am a spoiled child, not rich but was definitely spoiled. My mom tried to give me the best of everything and anything she could. I loved it and still love it when my mom does my laundry the night before I depart from JFK, because its closer and I stay over or when she makes thanksgiving dinner at HOME and takes a cab all the way uptown (from Jamaica, Queens) just to spend time with her independent boy. Being independent is another quality I possess and will continue to possess because I DO have true pride for myself and my achievements over the past years. I.E. just recently, although I had a very stable job (as most of you know) doing marketing for a non profit, I applied my ambition and interviewed for corporate and Voila! I am sitting at my corporate desk on my 5 th day at the job. I ended on great terms, no hard feelings or anything and no burned bridges. That is something to be proud of rather than make-believe property or fortunes. Lack of control of your own life and instability are not something to be bragging about, and definitely when you are lagging months and months behind, have roommates and have a claim to all these material riches.
So obviously there is something ticking me off right now. Could you guess what it is? Irresponsibility at the age of 30 and lack of commitment to oneself and the responsibilities of life. That is what is bothering me today. What keeps me sane? Having Kai (my mini-pinscher) who has way too much energy for me but she is my baby and I love her. Mr. K (someone who I am currently dating also keeps me grounded. His great energy and positive outlook no matter how pessimistic I am (weird eh).
Current situation: I might have to move back home to Queens because of all this (did I mention we are being kicked out of the apartment because rent is due and not mine obviously). That is if I don't find an apartment between now and Nov 15th. Karma exists so those who fuck also get fucked. Play and you will be played. I have Kai my love and beautiful sanity (like her mom [ME]). I am working at Scholastic and pretty happy after the first week, obviously all I can say, and happy with Mr. K.
Thanks for hearing me out! I needed it! J Write back! Any solutions? Suggestions?

UPDATE---IM BACK

IM BACK IN THE GAME! I will be posting new BLOGS soon! Maybe as soon as yesterday! I just tansferred my previous blogs to this site so if you haven't read my comments on life, and possibly your influence in my overall life...do it soon! Enjoy.

-el nyko